and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
