Can Purell be used as lube?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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