Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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