I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
