woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?