my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.