Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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