I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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