I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
