I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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