i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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