Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
