I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
