I heard we made out
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
