so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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