I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
