Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
