My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
