walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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