I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
