I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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