if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I need a beard to bite.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
