Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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