My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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