I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
it glows. i had to have it.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We had to coat check the pizza.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
