so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
