Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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