Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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