I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
