Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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