Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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