Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
