I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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