Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
