i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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