beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
