Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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