i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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