dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
