Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
4 words: hood of his car
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
