1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
