I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
