I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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