i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
