Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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