I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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