I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
