I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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