I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Reggie can tackle my bush.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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