u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
