...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My liver just had a heart attack.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
