and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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