By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
