her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
