mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
