remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
