I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
