The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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