Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
