i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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