just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
